Got a recent favorite??? ITS JOKE TIME

[Norris]

allow me to begin....

A man runs in a panic into a psychiatrist's office.. "DOCTOR, I THINK I'M A DOG!" "What makes u say that?", the doc asks, "WELL I PISS ON TELEPHONE POLES AND STARTED CHASING CARS AND MY WIFE KEEPS BEATIN' ME WITH A NEWSPAPER!!" "Well this does sound quite serious. Why don't you just lie down on the couch and tell me more?" "BUT I'M NOT ALLOWED ON THE COUCH...!""

[Norris]

11 views and no additions...

sigh...I guess I'mm going to leave work jokeless...

[dwashbur]

Hey, I have three jokes for you, two short and one long.

Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooke!!!!!!

[Penopolypants]

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?







About halfway across..

[Grateful Diver]

The economy is so bad that ...

- Bill Gates had to switch to dial up.
- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
- Rapper 50 Cent changed his name to 10 Cent.
- The highest-paying job in town is jury duty.
- Americans are illegally migrating to Mexico.
- Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
- Even people who aren't in Barack Obama's cabinet aren't paying taxes.
- Hot Wheels stock is trading higher than GM.
- McDonalds is introducing the 1/4-Ouncer.
- Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their children, "Finish your meal! Don't you know there are starving children in the US?"
- A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
- Martha Stewart did a show on creative uses for food stamps.
- I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
- Instead of a coin toss at the beginning of the Super Bowl, they're gonna play "Rock, Paper, Scissors."
- People are standing behind George Bush wherever he goes hoping for free shoes.
- Paris Hilton changed her name to Paris Holiday Inn.
- When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room..
- The Lone Ranger sold his silver bullets on ebay.
- 7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.
- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street."
- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I got so depressed thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck ...

... Bob (Grateful Diver)

[mz53480]

Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other.
The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink.
Naked lady says...

[Norris]

Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other.
The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink.
Naked lady says...

....

[ktb]

Norris. The Breakfast Club.

[scottsax]

Did you hear that when they cracked open the moon rocks the astronauts brought back, they found insect bodies in them? That's right, they found evidence of "lunar ticks!"

What did the English bobby say when he found his wife in bed with 2 of his coworkers?
"'Ello 'ello 'ello!"

And for Norris:
How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change the bulb, and four others to say how much better they could've done it.

[ORDiver]

Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other.
The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink.
Naked lady says...

CRASH! Whooaaa! (Judd Nelson falling through ceiling).

[Norris]

Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other.
The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink.
Naked lady says...

CRASH! Whooaaa! (Judd Nelson falling through ceiling).

Ahhhh now I remember....

[Dive_Girl]

what do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back? ...a stick

[Cera]

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. Bartender says "hey buddy, did you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate says "Arrg, I know and it's driving me nuts!"

[ktb]

Sent to me by my mother, a fellow diver . . .

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fuckin’ boat."

[Marc]

I think that I know that Irishman.

[Joshua Smith]

I think that I know that Irishman.

Well, boyo, you canna argue with the logic of it.

[lologrande]

What is Helen Keller's favorite color?


-Corduroy

[BASSMAN]

11 views and no additions...

sigh...I guess I'mm going to leave work jokeless...

[BASSMAN]

How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change the bulb, and four others to say how much better they could've done it.

That's right up there with, How many Bass guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Zero!

You have the Piano player, change it with his left hand!

[scottsax]

That's right up there with, How many Bass guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Zero!

You have the Piano player, change it with his left hand!

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a saxophone? The neighbors get pissed if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

What's the definition of optimistic? An accordion player with a cell phone.

How many singers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one-they hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them.

[dwashbur]

How many singers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one-they hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them.

OUCH!!!!!!

[Penopolypants]

Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gases in here!". The helium doesn't react.

[Linedog]

Two mushrooms were talking in a bar. One says "I don't get it, I can't get a date no matter how hard I try. I don't understand it, I'm a fungi."

[ktb]

Two mushrooms were talking in a bar. One says "I don't get it, I can't get a date no matter how hard I try. I don't understand it, I'm a fungi."

And the other replied, "Maybe if you moved out of that dark place and didn't smell like shit all the time . . ."

[mz53480]

Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gases in here!". The helium doesn't react.

2 atoms are walking down the street when they bump into each other.
atom 1: are you ok?
atom2: yeah, but I think I lost an electron.
atom1: are you sure?
atom2: yeah, I'm positive.