Top 10 Lists

[divernick]

I found some Top 10 lists on my computer that I had copied online from Rodale's Magazine a long time ago, I thought they were funny, so I re-posted, enjoy...



Top 10 Things Not to Say on a Dive Boat:
10. "Can I keep this coral that your anchor broke off?"
9. "Buddy? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?"
8. "Can someone lend me a computer? Mine keeps flashing 'Deco Violation'?"
7. "I count seven, are you SURE there are eight names on the manifest?"
6. "Does anyone else smell smoke?"
5. "What do I do with this bucket of vomit?"
4. "Could you 'warm up' my wetsuit for me?"
3. "Macarena anyone?"
2. "Certification smertification!"
1. "Is that your mask under my tank?"


Top 10 Signs Your Dive Buddy Isn't as Experienced as He Claims to Be:
10. His octopus really is one.
9. He asks, "Which one of these thingies goes in my mouth?"
8. He offers to carry everybody's gear down to the dock.
7. He thinks BC is a comic strip about a caveman.
6. He says "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that 'tingling feeling,' then I know its time to surface."
5. His mom has to buy air for him.
4. He's upset when you tell him that his dive computer doesn't run Windows '95.
3. He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water.
2. He argues vehemently that Nitrox was a monster who battled Godzilla.
1. He says he learned everything he knows about diving from Greg Louganis.


Top 10 Pick-up Lines for Divers:
10. "The way your mask leaves those lines on your face is soooo sexy!"
9. "Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can really see myself in your wetsuit."
8. "Of course it's for science! We're all gonna be living down here one day!!"
7. "Pardon me, when you walked by my mouth went dry... could you spit in my mask for me?"
6. "Tan line from a wedding ring? No, that's just mysterious underwater coral bleaching."
5. "That wetsuit would look great on my floor!"
4. "I'm tired of one dive stands, I'm looking for some meaningful buddy breathing."
3. "Voulez-vous plongez avec moi?" ["You want plunge with me?" according to an online translator]
2. Sobbing: "Can you believe they still kill dolphins in some countries?"
1. "I'm either bent or in love, sweetheart, because when I see you I get all tingly."


Top 10 Excuses for Not Earning Open Water Certification:
10. I didn't want to get my new gear wet.
9. You can get all the shark action you need on the Discovery Channel!
8. I used a home PC as a dive computer.
7. Two words: neoprene allergy.
6. Listed "Narcosis" as dive objective.
5. Added a few "personalized" signs to the sign language lesson.
4. At the pool, if you're tired all you have to do is stand up.
3. A Dogfish ate my dive tables.
2. I was in the hospital recovering from DCS.
1. After the first check out dive, children kept pushing me back in the water yelling "swim willy swim, you're free now".


Top 10 Reasons Why Saddam Hussein Doesn't Dive:
10. Nitrox is a gas. What do you mean you can't kill people with it?
9. He has not figured out a way to burn the American flag underwater.
8. He quivers every time he hears the word "tank."
7. Nerve gas give you REALLY short bottom times!
6. He can't remember which tank has the anthrax.
5. His dive buddies keep defecting.
4. It's too difficult to surround himself by 200 women and children on the dive boat.
3. He can't deal with the annual tank "visual inspections."
2. Because sharks are better equipped to defend their territory than the Kuwaitis.
1. "Sorry Saddam, no dive card, no air fill - even if you are a ruthless murderous madman."

[GillyWeed]

Thanks I needed the laugh today

[Cera]

Ha ha...
my favorite pick-up line is....
Do you wash your wetsuit in Windex?? Cuz' I can see myself in it!