A joke for Today

[H20doctor]

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?""Ten years!" he says.She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?He replies, "Ten years!"She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"

[scottsax]

[mz53480]

[H20doctor]

Ya works sucks today and I went online and read some jokes.. I feel a little better , but not much.. Anyone else Havin a " DAY " today ?

[scottsax]

Today's not too bad. YESTERDAY was "A DAY"....


A priest, a rabbi, a penguin, and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

[Norris]

Today's not too bad. YESTERDAY was "A DAY"....


A priest, a rabbi, a penguin, and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

I am sooooo biting this joke!!! That sh*t was FUNNY!!!

[Penopolypants]

Why are math books so sad?













Because they've got problems.....

[Jenbowes]

I love this thread!

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?













A fish.

[mz53480]

...A man is stranded on a desert island...

Same guy... after he gets off the island... decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away,
and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing."

You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replys "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" The man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day,
the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,
"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the
best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

[Sockmonkey]

A pirate walks into a bar with a big wooden ship's steering wheel stuffed in his pants.

Bartender says "Ahoy Captain. What gives with the wheel?"

"Yarrr. It's driving me nuts!"

[LCF]

This is the way it ought to go:

Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"And the man cries out, "You mean, you're going to let me go DIVING?"

[H20doctor]

As she unzips her drysuit in front of the stranded Man he says " Wow is that a She Pee !!! Dam that's Nice .. "

[don]

After a rough couple weeks, then today after a long, hot, sunny day on flat water. Driving my boat with 6 divers and searching for the best vis. Another day at work for me.... this thread made me laugh. Thank you all.

don

[no excuses]

Ya works sucks today and I went online and read some jokes.. I feel a little better , but not much.. Anyone else Havin a " DAY " today ?

yep it was one of those days, put about 40 miles on the boat today, in the sun playing on the water. God it sucked lol..

[BASSMAN]

After a rough couple weeks, then today after a long, hot, sunny day on flat water. Driving my boat with 6 divers and searching for the best vis. Another day at work for me.... this thread made me laugh. Thank you all.

don

I didn't get this one.

[eliseaboo]

A magician was driving down the street and turned into a driveway.

[billandwende]

A magician was driving down the street and turned into a driveway.

Joke grenade. 1...2...3...

[Pez7378]

At the risk of Offending any of our resident Prostitutes, I have to share this as it made me laugh my ass off.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.

'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For my little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'

[pensacoladiver]

For all the married folks:

I remember when I first got married. My wife and I would have the "anywhere sex"... on the couch, on the stove, in the backyard, etc...

Along came the kid and suddenly it became the "bedroom sex"... trying to be real quiet in the bedroom so the kiddo doesn't know whats going on.

Well, that lasted for sometime and eventually we moved on to "hallway sex"....

Essentially we pass each other in the hallway and say "F*ck you", well "F*ck you too"!!!

[BASSMAN]

True Story...My father-in-law gave a toast at one of our relative's weddings.

He Said, "My wife and I have been married for 50 years!" {applause} "One of the reasons we have kept it together for so long is because we still have sex almost every day of the week." {long silence....followed by an uncormfortable applause} Then he continues, "Oh ya! It's true! We almost hand sex on Monday and then we almost had sex on Tuesday and then we almost...
{ And then,room filled with laughter}

Feel free to use that at your next wedding, when you feel you want to give a toast!

[Sounder]

[Norris]

hmmmm....

[Sounder]

[Norris]

[scubascott]

Subject: FW: A little Newfie Logic

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which Murphy replies:

"You dumb shit - if they fell forwards they'd still be in the friggin boat"